Mistakes

Many people go into the Peace Corps, and leave boyfriends and girlfriends behind. This becomes, inevitably, a problem. People pine, romanticizing the past and how great things were. Or they move on, and find something else.

I didn't come here with a boyfriend, but I have realized something: I'm in love with a damn city.

I'm so homesick for Chicago it's killing me. But it's not for people necessarily (although, god knows, I miss my family tons, talking to my grandmother, and the fact that I'll miss christmas with my nieces and nephew still hasn't kicked in yet), but right now I'm missing a Chicago Summer. And that really sucks, because there is nothing like a Chicago summer.

I made the mistake of watching the Chicago Top Chef the past few days (a Chicagoan won - Woot!) and seeing all the places... the gay Whole Foods, the space where they did Restaurant Wars was the space where I won Fight Club, I'm almost positive.... I seem to be inundated with sightings of sailboats, even on a Moldovan calendar, although there is no sailing in Moldova so I'm not really sure what that's about.

It's with a degree of certainty that I write that this homesickness is part of a general lethargy and even a slight bit of ennui. I've been here four total months, and I've completely lost the desire to learn the language in the past week. I'm not yet doing anything substantial at work, although that's about to go through a world of change, whether my org knows this or not. And I very much dislike living with a family. I feel like my wings have been clipped. I can't sleep at all, (I'm literally dosing myself with benedryl to get sleep) but I realized that maybe my mind is staying up because the only time I have to myself is when everyone is asleep. I have no privacy, and as much as I like my family, I'm too old to have a 10 year old sister and too old to be living with a mother.

I'm such a whiner though, and I know this. I have a much better situation than everyone else, living in the city. Chisinau is cool I guess. Looking at things from this perspective, and how big a whiner I am being, it cannot be denied that there may have been serious problems had they put me in a village.

But I wonder how many people loved their life as much as I did before making a decision to join Peace Corps. And maybe I am romanticizing! I know I had issues, and I got stressed.

But I always loved my city. Seven years into living there, and driving down Lakeshore Drive would still give me goosebumps and put butterflies in my stomach.

I haven't the slightest intention of leaving Moldova, and I'm sure I'm just going through a normal initial placement slump. But I really want summer to be over already, so I can stop thinking about the Taste (which I actually hated! But I loved the vibe it gave the city) and the 4th (or 3rd, in Chicago) up on the rooftops, Chicago Architecture Foundation tours, sitting outside at T's, and sailing...

I really need to stop watching tv shows that highlight Chicago, and I need to stop reading the Chicago Trib and Sun-Times, and cancel all my e-subs to various cultural things. I think trying to hold on so tight has been a mistake, and it's making the transition harder.

But it's hard to let go when you're in love.